I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
