I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
