i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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