it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
