I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
