Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
