dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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