Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
