Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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