you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
