about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize