dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
