matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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