There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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