and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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