tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
