her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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