Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
