I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Text me some of your sweat
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
