All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
