If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
