Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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