How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize