I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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