I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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