Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
