Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize