don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
