I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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