were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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