Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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