420 ftw
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
