i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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