i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
