The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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