this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize