My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize