I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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