I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
