you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
