Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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