i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
love makes seman taste better
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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