Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Ketchup is God's man juice
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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