Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
