i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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