wakey wakey hands off snakey
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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