You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
