I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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