i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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