When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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