the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
