I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
