If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
