I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
