community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Even my vagina gasped.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
