I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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