i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
