my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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