if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize