those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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