youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
