tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
