It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
