good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
