I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize