I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
