I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
