i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
