Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
