im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
