Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
