It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
