dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
